Last week was Mother’s Day. We went to Kinnley’s church to watch the boys be dedicated. They sang Goodness of God, which we sang at Ky’s funeral. I’ve sang, heard and even sang that song at our church since the funeral.  Her church is huge and when it started the voices from the congregation were so LOUD, like I felt like my ears were ringing loud, it was all I could hear. It was beautiful, and about two sentences in, I felt a giant sob come out. I lost it. Ky was already on my mind, he almost always is. And of course a day for mothers made me think of him. I fell apart, and I couldn’t not get it back together, I kept trying to catch my breath and slow it down. I was holding Abe, I leaned over to Matthew and said I think I’m gonna have to walk out, I was going to hand him the baby. A second later I felt the weight of Abram on my face, his little chubby cheek was pressed in so hard to mine, it caught my attention and my breathing slowed down. He had fallen asleep. If you know Abe, he doesn’t fall asleep randomly, and he definitely doesn’t do it when anything is going on around him. I immediately knew it was God calming me down. Later on the way home I was telling Matthew about it. And I said I don’t think it was the song that got me, I think it was the sound of that many people singing it, I think for a split second, I caught a glimpse of what Heaven would sound like. Then I paused, and said Matthew, the song, the sound, the weight of Abe calming me. I think God was saying I got Ky, and I got you. I think that was my happy Mother’s Day from Him and Ky. It brought me so much peace and joy. 

A couple weeks after Ky died my friend Diana and her family sent us a tree to plant in memory of Ky. It has been at Jannie’s house being babysat (she’s a plant whisperer) until it was warm enough to plant it. We planted it the afternoon of Mother’s Day, Matthew thought it was the perfect day. I agreed. 

Today I woke up so heavy. Some days are like that. This time last year we were working so hard to bring Ky home. Matthew and I were training 3 days a week with him. When we were home we were preparing his room. Trying to balance the kids end of year stuff. We were so torn between two places and so many kiddos. The weather and end of year activities is bringing all that back up. This morning my Timehop memory was me putting the final piece of furniture in his room, our rocking chair. The one I rocked him in when he was fussy, and the one I rocked him in when he met Jesus. We had also done our first solo trach change that day, and he gave the best smiles after. I caught a picture that was so bright and beautiful we would later use it as the picture for his memorial service. That smile was in my memories this am too. Dillon had dance rehearsal today, and the song Flowers is one of the dances before hers. I sang that song for a month over and over after he died, it had the very best lyrics and I hung on to those. As I’m trying to remain composed in rehearsal I get a text, it’s a picture from Matthew, Ky’s flower has a bloom….

I have always heard of people seeing signs after their loved one died. I don’t know if I believed them or not, and still not sure if I do now either. Sometimes I wonder if we are grasping at something because grief is just so heavy and hard. But I do know, that Psalm 18:9 tells me that God delights in me. He loves me, and because I’m in relationship with Him, He knows me. And I know, that He knows what I need when I need it. So I’m gonna take Abe’s heavy little head, that loud congregation signing, and our beautiful magnolia bloom, and hold it close to my heart. Because I know that my Father has me in the palm of His hand, and that my beautiful boy is sitting near Him, and He has him too.