Tag: god

Month Two, It Comes in Waves..

They say it comes in waves. I truly get that now. I have watched it hit us all at random times. Last week the house was slam full and noisy. Matthew and I were cleaning up after dinner and both turned towards the window and I felt him take a breath to speak and then he froze. When I looked at him his gaze turned towards me and his eyes were full of tears. He was going to yell at everyone to quiet down before they overstimulated Ky. He said- I forgot for a second, I haven’t forgotten in so long. 

It feels like forever since we have held his little body, kissed his juicy lips or cared for him in anyway, and in the same breath it feels like yesterday. We don’t go in his room as much, and we can’t decide if that feels good or bad. 

A new gift of anxiety has come in waves as well for me. I am the most non anxious human you will ever meet. Parker was gone from home a few weeks ago, riding backroads with Bryson, she gets that from her parents. Her location stopped for an hour at the same place, and the place I KNOW drops location. I knew exactly what roads she was riding because I did that for hours on end before I had kids. I convinced myself she had been kidnapped and murdered and gah I could not get it together. I scared her to death with my calls and texts, and I cried so hard after. Full of guilt for reflecting onto her, full of tears because I felt the depth of losing a child. I love breaks from the littles sometimes, but right now, when they are gone from me, I feel it, I am so nervous. 

Last week Dillon was just sitting in the living room, and she turned around full of tears and said I just feel so heavy right now mama, I miss Ky so much I feel it on me. I told her I knew that feeling. You will just be doing any random thing and it feels like a literal blanket, a weighted one, that wraps around you, and it’s of sadness. 

Yana asks at least once a week “where is Ky?” She knows the answer, but it’s almost as if she just needs to make sure it’s real. We all feel that I think.

In the same breath we are still so full of joy. I told someone this week that holding him, singing him into Heaven, caring for him, it was all such joy. If you have never experienced God speaking to you, it’s hard to explain. When He tells you to do something, almost always, it’s uncomfortable at best, at worst, impossible. When you ask Matthew about caring for Ky, he will tell you a thousand times how “easy” it was. And it was. We walked around on 3/4 hours on average of very interrupted sleep but were not tired. We survived on one income. One of us made every activity the other kids had. We had no sickness we couldn’t manage at home. And our power only flickered off once during a storm. ALL of the things we feared, God made a way. I never mastered sputum or trachs as a nurse in the hospital, and I don’t do gross, I am a paper work nurse. But not only did I, but Matthew, Dillon, and I learned ALL of Ky’s care and provided it with ease. Yana and Sophia knew how to give meds and water flushes as well as hook up a feeding via a feeding pump. We had nurses that not only didn’t mind our chaos, but that LOVED our babies and our home. That joined us in prayer, in our worship, in our everything with gladness. 

Parker told me this week that the week after Ky died when she went back to school God was so good to her. She didn’t want to leave us, or home, but she’s in a very competitive program and can’t miss days. If you know her, you know sunsets and sunrises are her favorite thing on earth. It had been dark every morning for her drives up and every evening for her drives home for months. But that week she got a beautiful sunrise and a hand painted sunset every day that week. She said she knew He did that just for her. 

So the waves of grief do come. But also the waves of God’s goodness, mercy and grace too. This morning I sat in our rocker, where I held our baby last and I opened up the pages of my Bible to scripture after scripture that showed me that God is alive and His word is relevant to my life. His words have brought me so much comfort the last few weeks. I know that everything we have been through is to grow us and others closer to Him. I know that nothing we do for Him returns void. I know that our grief and pain here is nothing compared to the joy that is coming. God makes all things new, and He works all things for His good and glory. 

Seven

We have a new Pastor. Well, kind of new, he has been here almost a year. His greatest gift (in my opinion) is his zeal for the Word. He gets you so exicted to read your bible. And he is SO passionate about you not only reading it, but understanding what you are reading. I have gone from reading my bible in a year every year, to spending weeks on a passage or verse, months on one book or a few chapters. He has taught us to notice numbers, certain words, phrases, that key in on something deeper, or that accent a passage to help you understand more. It’s amazing how on fire our members have been, from young kids to 80+ year old members, so excited to dig in and learn.

Seven is the number of completion in the Bible. I’ve always known that. Never thought it would be a theme in my life. But here we are.

If you have met the last baby of our brood, you would describe her as JOY. I don’t know of any other human that meets the standard of that word more than her. She is full of joy. She has joy pouring out of her little body any time you are around her. Every one, and I do mean every one, wants to take her home with them. She is stubborn, WIDE open, busy, oh so hyper, silly, sweet, sassy, all of the things, but in and above it all, she is joy.

I didn’t have much joy when I realized that she was going to be mine forever. I love her, don’t get me wrong, I am crazy about her. But she wasn’t in my plan. It’s taken me a long time to find that joy, I think even as I type, that this may be the reason for this blog post, because I just finally have not only accepted, but embraced that she is mine. Without spilling too much of her story (it’s not mine to share), she came here because we parented her parent for a very long season. We took her under the impression that she was kinda our “grandbaby” and we would step in while said parent stepped up. But then that didn’t happen. And this mama who was SO OVER parenting, at FORTY FOUR years of age, had a baby again. To say I have struggled with that is an understatement.

It’s funny how God reveals stuff slowly to you. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like He knows I can only handle so much info at one time, so He leads me slowly, and gives me bits very slowly. I need time to mull over things. To pout, to fuss, and then to give up and accept. This weekend I RELUCTANTLY decided to potty train her. Not because she wasn’t ready, or because I wasn’t capable. Because I didn’t wanna do it. I have parented so much more than I ever planned. There are days I don’t wanna be touched, talked to, even days I feel that I don’t wanna hear the word “mama” ever again. I am tired. But, we did it. We stuck some panties on her and we did it. God knew how tired I was, because she acts like she has been potty trained all her life. She had a few accidents, but about thirty successes. Woke up the next morning like it was nothing, straight to the potty, no accidents. She also moved into a toddler bed. Laid down in that thing like she had slept in it every day of her life. And you know what? I watched her on that monitor SO SAD!!!!!! She is my baby. M very last baby. And you know what God whispered to my heart while I was watching that monitor wondering what this sadness was? SEVEN. She is number seven. She is the completion of the Rhyne crew.

What a gift He gave us. Pure joy. To end our foster care journey. To step into our forever family. He gave us joy. I never had that sadness when any of the others moved to toddler beds, got potty trained, went to preschool, none of it. I was an emotional disaster Kinnley’s first day of school. Pretty sure other than that I have handled most things pretty nonchalantly(other than Kinn going to college and Tate getting married- those are for another day HAHA). I finally get what everyone says about “the baby”. I thought I had “the baby” when Parker was born. Then again when we got Dillon, then again with Fia. LOL, God has a sense of humor. So here we are. With seven children. She is THE baby.

I don’t find my identity in being a mom. I never have. I am not a great mom. I think I do okay, LOL, but I am breaking some generational curses over here too, and that gets messy some days. I am however, so grateful that God has allowed me to parent such incredible humans. Every time I look at Kinnley, Tatum and Parker I am amazed that we made it. That they are adults. My tiny little girl tribe is all grown up. And they are wonderful people. I would like them even if they weren’t mine. How gracious is God to give me another batch. To give me another chance to clean it up, to show Him a little more, to have different intentions. I hope my words never come across as having it all together, or all figured out. I don’t. If you are attracted to anything in our lives, I promise it’s not us, it’s God within us. He guides our steps, our days, our ins and outs. He gives me grace when I get it wrong, to start again the next day. And He gives my precious kiddos that grace too, they love me new each morning and I am so thankful for that.

Google says “the number seven is often associated with completeness, perfection, and fulfillment”. I can confidently say that God is done growing our family (through parenting), and it’s perfect for us, we feel that fulfillment. I have been done many times over the years, but He wasn’t. I know in the depths of my soul that I am now, and I know that knowledge is from Him. I am nervous about closing our home. We aren’t perfect, but we were a good foster home. Not many people foster, and even less adopt. The thoughts of their being one less of us in our area makes me nervous. But I know God is greater and He has a plan for that as well. For now, we are going to embrace the joy of Yana that He blessed us with. We also will embrace the peace of Ky, the patience of Sophia, and the gentlessness of Dillon. We see glimpses of Him in each of them and know as we all grow in this forever season we will see more and more.